finding my strengths, discovering my weaknesses

wowzah. what a crazy two weeks. im getting better at some things and completely failing at others…

work… cake. ive gotten everything down for the most part at this new position, trying to get over certain things, and getting frustrated all at once. unnecessary drama in the workplace. doesnt have to do with me, but its just something that sets the tone for the rest of the crowd. its annoying. im irritated with certain people. we’ll see how long this lasts. im in the process of renewing my phlebotomy license btw.

family is amazing. since i moved out the mood between ChRoJenn has been great. Chris is over a lot more than anticipated but its been nice anyways. randy is getting closer to my family and i love it. we’re all just getting along. theres some things that happen that i dont agree with but we talk about it, make ammends, and move on. thats how a family is supposed to work anyways right? we’ll see what happens in the future though. maybe this is the calm before the storm.

friends. i realize that i dont have the same friends that i used to. they’re the same physical people, but as far as personalities go, i discovered bad habits and great characteristics in everyone. theres people who keep bringing me down and im keeping my distance. im in the process of making new friends and its exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time. new people means letting your guard down. im used to being disappointed so its a big wall to be letting down. maybe ill make holes in the wall and see what happens then…

school. wheres my fail horn… need to toot that big time. im getting A’s in 2 out of 3 classes. the one class, im getting an f in. and its bringing down my gpa. so i dropped it. i knew this was going to happen and i let it. im really upset and disappointed in myself. i know i shouldn’t have let this happen. i saw it every step of the way and still didnt do anything. i decided to take classes that im actually interested in for the next few semesters and REALLY find my study habits and strategies. once ive got a routine down and have found the “scholar” in me, ill go back to the classes i dont care much about. we’ll see what happens.

randy and i. we’re getting better. i decided to put in my full effort NOW instead of beating and bruising us more and trying to work with that later. we’re still strong and great with each other. but that’s as friends. we’ve never really been a physical couple yet. havent gotten the chance. and now that ive dropped everything, all the outside influences, im ready to give my full effort. we deserve that. we earned that. if we dont end up together in the end, i know we’ll come out as great friends. randy will always be a major part of my life. ill never let him go. not completely. we’re watching this flower bloom. and so far, its been a little shy and rocky. we’ll see what happens next…

Protected: over my pride, over the others, i choose…

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getting rid of the shades of gray

i felt like i was leading you on. so now im going to keep my distance. he said id need to in order for you to get over me and move on. so here goes…

its going to hurt the both of us. but its going to make us better in the end. and we’ll actually be able to become that set of BEST FRIENDS in the whole world that we dream about now. i had a dream last night that you came back. sad and depressed at first. but then everyone who really loves you and missed you these last three years came into the picture (uncles, allen, freddyboy, etc.). i was slowly becoming further and further from you. but you got better. you got happier. so if thats what it takes, then im all for it. we’ll rendezvous on calmer seas. in a faraway but not so distant island.

lets do our own thing. lets give each other this time and “space” to grow up. we’re going to be great adults. this is our first step. i will always love you. i will always be here when you desperately need me. my shoulder is invisibly tattooed with your name on it if any tears need shedding. and when i get my own place, my door will always be open to you.

take this time to find yourself. im using it to find me. i love you. i always have. and ive got this hunch that i always will. :0)

living in the moment

first off, let me start this off by saying that no one will understand randy and i. i dont care if you were there in the beginning. you werent there when we were apart and making it happen. so when you yourself are the most unstable person ill ever know, dont try to hand out advice. step back and fix yourself before you try to fix other people…
i hate when people who have shitty relationships see someone’s relationship on the rocks and jumps in like they know what they’re going through. why cant we worry about ourselves? i dont jump into anyone’s lives because i havent been there 24/7. all i know is what ive seen and experienced. again, especially if we havent hung out in a while and you dont know the half of it, keep your opinions, suggestions, and comments to yourself. thanks.

anywho, randy and i, we are something else, you know? probably not. stupid question. he’s giving me my freedom and independence that ive asked for since december. we really will “see what happens next…” im excited. we’re going to be best friends and hangout and finish our lists. if someone new comes into our lives and doesnt like that we’re such great friends, FUCK EM! you dont come into someones life without building a foundation of a great friendship and then feel like you can call all the shots. you learn each other’s past, you learn each other’s habits, and you understand where the other person is coming from and why they are the way that they are. thats it. its simple. not complicated.

i feel that randy and i lasted so long in our relationship because of simplicity. simple simplicity. we never fought about stupid stuff like retarded couples today do. my main pov was that if its not going to be a big deal 24 hours from now, it doesnt deserve a minute of arguing. LET. IT. GO. you dont always need to teach someone a lesson. you dont always need to be right. you dont always need to prove a point. because chances are your forcing your opinion on them. and that COMPLICATES things. one word: animosity. another good one: resentment. when you choose to argue until someone is right, the person who is proven “wrong” will automatically develop resentment towards the person who is “right” because they started that argument believing and feeling a certain way and that argument would never have existed they both agreed on whatever started the argument. be logical. care. love. and live in the moment.

which brings me to my next venting session. i am 20 years old, going on to 21. i feel that ive made the right choices in life. i feel that my decisions and changes i make in my life should only be criticized by those who are directly effected. otherwise, SHATTAP! anyways, i feel like im doing right by my parents. i never did drugs. i never got drunk. i never smoked weed or anything like that. ive been a good girl all my life. ive only ever had one bf who respected my “one year rule” and gave me the experience of love. now that im growing up and slowly realizing what i want in life, im seeing a new me. someone who wants to go on roadtrips along the california coast. someone who wants to be out all the time, be it flying kites, playing tennis, running at the beach, sitting on a blanket and enjoying the view of her city from mt soledad, whatever! im becoming more adventurous than before. im taking new risks and chances on new people. i am still very capable of dropping people without any remorse or second thought. but i also start each and every friendship by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. so far, its served me well. ive seen the red flags however and avoid them. ive got my guard up again, but i lower it a little from time to time as well. im living in the moment. if its a beautiful day, do something fun and enjoy the weather. if its a sucky day, go watch a movie and surround yourself by good company. hungry? picnic. restaurant. cook! dont give yourself the chance to be bored. start hobbies. dont over analyze. let things happen.

im doing pretty good about keeping my new year’s resolution: dont make a big deal about anything. its helped me get over a few things and not stress so much. dont cry or pout over something you dont have any control over. it wont do you any good. ive also developed this new insight on the world: dont have any expectations. that way, no one can let you down. you can only be surprised. im living in the moment and meeting new people and doing new things. you should as well. everyone should.

im working on this new project for my life… ill let you know about it once im done researching. PEACES! and of course: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

i wasnt being completly honest

it was my resolution and now that i look back, i see that i only chose to be honest when i wanted to be. the big decisions, i kind of held back. i never lied. i do want things to work out. but im not ready for them to work out right now. i shouldn’t have given in and got your hopes up. i was wrong for that. i should have stood my ground and made us split before, when i had the chance. but now ive hurt you. and now you hate me a little. i understand. i went through what you’re going through right now in December. ALMOST EXACTLY.

im sorry. im sorry i dont feel the same anymore. im sorry i dont love you like i used to. im sorry i only love you like a friend. im sorry i gave up fighting. im sorry i stopped believing. im sorry for switching to being selfish and looking out for me.

i know you chose SD for us. to make things right. but it seems we were victims of time. you learn early on in life that you cant see time. you cant touch it. its not until your an adult that you can feel it passing. feel it pushing and pulling and wearing you down. well, we’ve been pushed, we’ve been pulled, and we’re more worn out than ever before. i still want my best friend. but if that’s too hard for you i completely understand. and when you finally decide to put down your shield and sword, i hope you still want to be friends as well.

“we’ll see what happens…”

makin’ mama proud

whew! had a really uplifting conversation with my mommy today. i cant wait to spend the big dalawang-uno up there! :0)

so i bust my ass everyday. i hardly have a chance to really relax. i came to the conclusion that its a big reason why i constantly want to cry whenever i go on the roof at work to get some fresh air when i decide to take my 15-minute breaks. relaxation is overwhelming…

TBC…

ashamed

im not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love. but to you i gave my affection right from the start. i have a lover who loves me. how could i break such a heart. yet you still get my attention.

Life Lately

Theres a treat at the end of this blog. but you have to read through my boring bullshit first. haha.

So. Life lately… whats it been like for me? kind of hectic. I work 10-12 hour days. i only like my gf and the guys at my job. health is great. my husband is back in guam and we have an agreement. i have a new car who makes me jizz every time i walk out to the parking lot/driveway to her. school is difficult. im realizing that my feet aren’t as stuck to the ground as i thought they were.

Work- of course. here’s my day usually: wake up at 4:30am. shower. blowdry hair. straighten hair. brush teeth. go to work. clock in at 6:00am sometimes earlier. eat bfast. deal with Margie’s bossiness. Laugh at Ian’s jokes. get nervous and sweaty palms when my new friend visits or emails. MESS AROUND too much with Mimsy, my gf. take an hour lunch. work and dick around the rest of the day with co-workers. get teased about my new friend. mondays and wednesday i clock out at 4:30 to make it to my 5pm class. Tuesdays and Thursdays i’ll work until 5pm or 6pm. Fridays i clock out at 5:45 to make it to my 6:30 to 9:30pm class. go home study/sleep as much as possible. repeat… nothing crazy. just waste time really.

school- im struggling. i made a schedule before the semester. had my work hours (supposed to be 9hours max daily. not 10-12) planned out along with school and even study time and a curfew. but i didnt stick to that plan. i just worked 12 hour days. and my grade in Bio 100 slipped. i failed my first exam. so now i have to stay and accept the F. then i have to find another Bio 100 for Fall Semester 2010 along with my Math 70 that i dropped due to work last semester too. i met with my counselor today. he gave me a plan B. finish SWC’s nursing program with my Associates. Go to SDSU to do the “RN to BSN” program. he also told me about myself and the type of person im turning into. i liked most of it. and it was all based on school and hw.

Health- im getting back to normal. ive gone from 191 over the summer of 09 to 150 now. 40 pounds dead and gone. :0) im not consistent with my gym meets. but i feel pretty motivated to workout outside of the gym too.

…Not done yet…

Ten Things About you right now
1. my abs are disappearing as we speak.
2. i wouldnt mind a little jenny to tuck in at night.
3. i cut myself pretty bad today on a piece of paper. anything can be a weapon.
4. im starting a new 20/wk Trader Joe Penny Pusher challenge.
5. im giving out chances left and right. get it while its hot.
6. i havent been to the gym in two weeks.
7. i currently have $30 to my name and i dont get paid until next thursday.
8. i love randy moneda manlimos.
9. Winston STILL crosses my mind at least twice a day.
10. i am currently thinking about someone.

Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People.
1. so we wont be taking a break together.
2. i wish you werent so scared to show this side of you last year.
3. i did this for you. only you. i hate that kid, but i love when your happy. dont let this one go unappreciated too.
4. thank you.
5. i love you.
6. i am not a bitch. you are.
7. can you come down more often? i like it.
8. so what now?
9. i like that you watch the fishing channel. haha.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart.
1. Neck
2. MOVIE BUFF
3. <3 the beach whether its December or July
4. dont complain a lot
5. dont take advantage of my giving everyone the "Benefit of the Doubt"
6. appreciate life
7. be athletic and sporty, no couch potatoes or home bodies please!
8. ambitious and determined

Seven Questions That Cross My Mind.
1. If God exists, does he frown upon me or is he still trying to make me believe?
2. Are you a cuddler?
3. Can bears really smell the menstration?
4. Are my feet too small?
5. Does my personality intimidate people?
6. Can i really do ANYTHING?
7. Will you ever stop being an ass hole?

Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed.
1. brush my teeth
2. lay down, get naked
3. daydream
4. rethink my day
5. check my alarm clock
6. count sheep or something<– yeah, i do.

Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me.
1. Mom
2. Rob
3. Chris
4. Randy
5. Grandpama

Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now.
1. Black Aerie Undies/briefs
2. Gray Active shirt
3. black bra
4. glasses

Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately.
1. Mario- Dont Walk Away
2. Nothin On You- BOB
3. Sunset- Marques Houston

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. Finish SDSU's Nursing Program.
2. fly a jet

One Confession.
1. i want more.

from cupcake–>adilla–>nerdvitz

Ten Things About you right now
1. my abs are so incredibly sore
2. i had to take off the patch cause im allergic to it now
3. i have a bunch of paper cuts on my arms and fingers and hands
4. i like Trader Joe’s
5. im researching Mesa, Grossmont, and City College because SWC is gay
6. im still wearing my work clothes
7. i currently have $1000 to my name and im still waiting for 300 more. :0)
8. i miss my husband more than anyone will ever know, he hasnt been around for a long time now
9. Winston crosses my mind at least twice a day
10. i am currently talking to my husband on the phone

Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People.
1. your cute, too bad
2. i dont think we’re ok yet, but we’ll get along well enough
3. your better off, i just hope you’ll see that before you go back and make a big mistake that you’ll regret
4. your doing great, just need to get back to school and really live life to the fullest
5. your almost done. stick with it and keep at it.
6. you’ll get what you deserve in the end, i wont have a hand in your demise though.
7. thank you for the words of wisdom. sorry i didnt follow them correctly, i just have to give this one a chance
8. your every bit the person i want to be when i REALLY grow up. your beautiful family and amazing relationships are what give me hope and push me to keep on trying
9. your way too good for me, no one would ever guess it either

Eight Ways To Win My Heart.
1. Neck
2. MOVIE BUFF
3. <3 the beach whether its December or July
4. dont complain a lot
5. dont take advantage of my giving everyone the "Benefit of the Doubt"
6. appreciate life
7. be athletic and sporty, no couch potatoes or home bodies please!
8. ambitious and determined

Seven Questions That Cross My Mind.
1. Do you feel this is getting anywhere?
2. What do you smell like in the morning?
3. Do dogs know when a girl is on her Period?
4. Did my Medical Terminology teacher drop me from her class? If so, bitch move! I did everything i was supposed to!
5. Will I be happy with my car?
6. Does Jack Johnson give out Uke lessons?
7. Will I ever be able to play Paintball with you guys?

Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed.
1. brush my teeth
2. lay down, get naked
3. daydream
4. rethink my day
5. check my alarm clock
6. count sheep or something<– yeah, i do.

Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me.
1. Mom
2. Rob
3. Chris
4. Randy
5. Grandpama

Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now.
1. black slacks
2. white long tank
3. black and white fish-printed undies
4. nude-colored bra

Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately.
1. Neyo- Never Knew I Needed
2. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Dani California
3. The Rocket Summer- That's So You

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. lead a team for the annual Relay for Life event
2. fly a jet

One Confession.
1. i dont ALWAYS daydream about Randy. :0( sorry.

Protected: feeling guilty

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