i can relate… but in a way it really sucks

everyone says its not going to work

who do i believe? i dont know. i dont know who i WANT to believe. i dont know who’s advice will really make me feel better. i do know i still hurt today as much as i did a week ago, when everything was said and done.

everyone says i’m hurting myself by staying friends knowing that i love him so much still. EVERYONE is saying not now. not to do it now. everything is still so fresh. and that it wont be ok when he gets back and has a female friend around TTBF (The Three Best Friends). my brother said that if he wants to go out one on one for some breakfast or a movie, thats ok. but going out with good friends and having a new person with him will just about kill me.

i want to be smart about this. i just dont know how without being so sad.

friends, lovers, or nothing. there can only be one. there’ll never be an in between so give it up.

this is just me being completely honest. and i may look like a fool for it, but i dont care right now. i need to make my intentions apparent and put my heart out here. i may regret being so 100 percent with the world or at least anyone who reads this, but its something i feel is necessary. i think its really just to remind myself everyday that no matter what goes wrong or what goes right or what FEELS wrong or FEELS right, this is how i feel deep inside the honest parts of my heart. so… here goes…

we talked. and we straightened things out. i know we’ve been together for five years, but i honestly dont want to be anything but a couple with you. this friends thing will hurt for as long as we’re not a couple, and being around you will be like having a knife stuck in my chest and twisted around in circles, violently. i dont want to be your friend because i still love you. i tried to tell you that, but you want to salvage anything thats left of us, even if all the pieces are broken. ill do my best to be a little warrior through it all, but if it ends up hurting so much, i might have to back out again.

i dont want to do anything but love you. we made mistakes and we made really good ones, but none of them can be taken back and neither of us can make it feel any better. we agreed that the only reason we didnt work is because we have different tasks on our agendas now. and if we could take care of them, we might have a chance. well, my tasks will most likely take a good 4 to 5 years. i know right now, you wont wait for that. even though i waited 4 to 5 years for something like whats going to happen in july to happen. but i dont blame you. one can only take the pain and longing of loving someone from a distance for so long. so, maybe in 5 years, when im an RN and your a 1st class, we can be together. i wont get my hopes up though. so much will change in 5 years. i know so much changed in the 5 years we were together.

a good friend told me to be strong and to take care of what i want in life. he told me that in july and again today. he said “i know you want to finish school, so finish it.” he told me that if i dont do what i want, ill end up regretting it. and if i dont finish school to be with you, ill end up resenting you. and thats just not something either of us can be ok with.

i dont want anything from you anymore. not after these five years of wanting to be able to have you physically with me, except for the total of 8 months maybe, but even you said you took it for granted. id love to be friends. and i dont want to be a fool or looked at as naive. but i cant look ahead and see if i’ll be ok when you get back. that will be the ultimate test. but someone has been through what we’ve been through and hes given me the heads up about what i should prepare for. so i will definitely be prepared. i just hope you dont take it the wrong way if i decide to never see or talk to you again. i will always love you. probably for the rest of my life. even after ive remarried and had kids, my new love will outweigh you, but youll be in my heart nonetheless. i just dont think id be able to be around you as something lower than a lover.

it hurts me everyday. and i know its normal. i will give it a chance, my full on effort, but i wont make any promises. i just cant. no more promises. i know we’re different from everyone else and that our love was one of a kind and that no one will understand us ever. but at some point in my life, i may not understand why we are the way we are either, if we’re not together.

just a heads up, im going to give one last major effort. i dont know when, but you’ll know it when you see/hear/feel it happen. and after that, if everything inside of us still feels wrong, i will jump back into my regular life and carry on without you. no matter how bad it hurts. its just something i will have to do.

ill see you out there.

admiring from a distance… at least until im ready

man. i like certain people. but im still in relationship mode. which, by the way, isnt a mutual feeling. :0| guys deal with stuff so oddly sometimes. oh well, it hit me already. and i guess i didnt have the previous years to prepare so, my bad.

everyone tells me to stop blaming myself. well, i feel like i backed out of the vows earlier this year. standing by him when he had to go through being away. i made the choice to come back. and you can see from the very beginning of this word pressing that i saw this happening. i knew that once i left, everything would change. and i flaked on him how many times about coming back. it got to the point where he told me not to visit because it would hurt him to see me leave again. so i listened and obeyed. now look at him. hes hurting a good friend and doesnt show any respect or courtesy for me. i made him this angry and bitter person. at his lowest point i tried to be there. i tried to talk to him and be the good wife… from a distance. but his negativity and “i dont give a damn” attitude carried over from work to friends family and me. he stopped caring and i couldnt handle it anymore. so i kind of slowly backed out. and i kept pushing him away. and mom said “if you push hard enough he may never come back.” i guess i pushed hard enough. in many ways, im responsible for the way he is. and im not taking credit in a good way. i created a monster. :0| and i apologize to anyone who feels his negativity and bitterness towards the world. in time, im sure he’ll snap out of it and come back. i might not be here anymore, but i know everyone else will. ive taken all that i could. and ive made my choice.

….

anywho, i really like a certain somebody. but im giving myself time to heal and get back to who i was a few years ago. i dont want to meet someone as the person i am right now. im kind of a sad soul right now. and i want to go out and have fun and live life so when i finally meet someone im that happy soul i was a few years ago. :0) thats my game plan as far as relationships go. :0) we’ll see how it goes. maybe i can be good friends with this guy. maaaybe. we’ll see. i dont even know if he’s my type. haha!

you make it easy, as easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4

hehehe! man, mad props to my cousin allen THE offeluffegus of 2009! :0) haha. as things get harder, he comes around to lift me up with distractions. Be it a nice lunch, a talk at the life guard tower, a venting session on AIM, or even the temptation of a scooter… this guy is somehow always there. so, MEGA MAD props to senor ALLENoffeluffegus!

so, i almost slipped up and forgot to update after another day! whew! not on the ball at all. sooo, lets see, lately… whats been up? Im done with my FINAL, singular. i dropped math because i became really busy and irresponsible. never again, promised! hehe. I did great on my final. 47/50 on the oral part and i feel SUPER confident about the written part. :0) i really tried to step it up in the end. :0) which makes me feel proud.

what else… what else, had a heart to heart with my cousin (i know randy and i are not together anymore, but i think allen’s definitely earned the title) and man, he’s just been a great friend lately. i know before i was pissed at him. but hes definitely redeemed himself. :0)

been working a whole lot. I worked a 14 hour day friday. ive been working 9 and 10 hour days lately. ill continue it too. just until spring semester starts. and then it will only be 9 hour days. so i can get to school on time. this will definitely keep me from over working and getting addicted.

i got my syllabus for Medical Terminology. man, its so intimidating and scary. but im going in with an open mind and a strong urge to just pull through no matter what. i have yet to get my english class going and i still need to find out which books ill be needing this semester. :0) haha. we’ll see how it all goes.

im so excited. im finally letting it all go and really focusing on me now. it makes me feel so free and happy. and im really proud of myself for being honest. i tell people when im hurting and i tell people whats on my mind. im becoming more and more like the person i should have been a few months ago. :0) even though at night, it gets harder to be so cheery, i still keep my head up and have managed to keep these eyes dry as well. no use crying anymore, i did it once and really good, now its time to move on and be who im meant to be. :0)

[BOYCE AVENUE is really the GREATEST! i want their albums and covers and everything!]

its crazy. i never used to reminisce about how it was falling asleep with randy. my head on his chest, or just touching his arm. how he smelled. those thoughts creep into my mind at night and actually help me sleep. but im training myself out of it. i put everything in a box because the less i think about him the less im distracted. im glad we’re good friends still. and i have no animosity towards him. im let down in some ways. but its ok. this chapter of our lives is trial and error. i care for him still. :0) but we’re finally moving on and growing up. much faster than most kids do now a days. and im happy for it. i want to be ready for anything now. :0)

im getting a new toy this week. i wont say what it is because i dont want to jinx it. but if i get this, it will change everything and flip all my sadness and sorrows upside down. :0) im really excited about it. but shhh. “you can only whisper it, anymore than that and it will vanish.” so shhhh! we’ll see what happens.

*sigh* everything is getting easier. allen i thank you from the deepest parts of my heart. it was beating slow and faint lately. but you kind of jump started it. :0) thank you so much. really, it means just about EVERYTHING! :0) i could cry because of how high you lifted me in the last two days. :0) ok, no more homo. love you like a bruddah!

keeping my Head Up and Eyes Dry… ill see you out there! :0)

we’re really ok

we went from husband and wife to really good friends. i dont know about him, but i consider him my BEST friend. what we’ve gone through together kind of automatically gives him that title for me. im glad we can still talk and be cool with each other. this makes it a lot easier.
i wanted everything to be gone, to just leave it all in the past, but you just dont do that with 5 years. especially if no one was unfaithful or abusive. and especially if its for the better. i feel good about this. i might even write a movie about it. haha. we’ll see.

honestly, we were apart for so much of our 5 years that we were basically friends this whole time. out of the 5 years, i think we’ve only been physically around each other for a total of … less than a year. i think we started wanting more recently. i know i did. and him being so far away wasn’t able to. and thats no one’s fault. thats his career. i grew impatient and kind of lost it. but now that we’re friends, im glad we didnt demote our relationship further. and today, he became an offeluffegus. which is a REALLY REALLY GREAT friend to me.

all in all, im glad. relieved. still a little sad, but mostly glad. whew, i didnt lose him. i was just telling my coworkers how great he is and how sad i was to have to let it all go. but it is for the better. im sure of it. :0)

“try” and “again”

i know i keep adding to how i feel. but now that im in the process of reconnecting with old friends and making brand new ones, i dont know who i can really share this with.

as an individual, i thought i did everything right. i didnt get pregnant, i went back to school, i was trying my hardest to be that independent girl… AND i found the right guy. but the greatest movie quote sums it all up: NOTHING GOLD CAN STAY. no matter how much i figure out about life, the more puzzling equations it throws in my direction.

in all honesty, im a little bit lost. as uppity and spritely as i sound most of the day, any moment i get to myself, any moment i get to separate from the crowd and just observe is a dangerous one. i try to keep busy in my head, but you can only daydream and work out finances so many times before you draw a blank and everything comes rushing back at you. whew.

i was just talking to my mom about how jealous i am of my grandpa and his luck in love and marriage. my grandmother had 2 husbands before him. one died and the other was kind of a dirtbag. but then my grandpa comes along, swoops her off her feet and takes on her four kids, adding another awesome one, too. man, his first marriage and its lasted 30 years. what a lucky man. then again, if we really look at it, whos the lucky one? grandpa or grandma? grandma found this amazing guy who loved her, heart and soul. willing to take her four children under his wing as well. and he’s stayed by her side, faithful, supportive, and loving her like no other love ive experienced in my life. grandpa isnt the type to tell grandma not to do something she really wants to do. for example, although grandma retired and didnt HAVE to work anymore, even when grandpa urged her not to, she worked… and he didnt stop her. another example: grandma had surgery and was supposed to take it easy and not work, but she went to work anyways, and who stood by and let her? grandpa. he’s never held her back, only pushed her forward in life. so, in the end, who is the lucky one? or is it equal? for arguments sake, id like to stick with the equal choice.

see, over the years, ive seen many different relationships. whats worked and whats failed. ive taken them all into consideration and made special notes in my head. now, i have my perfect man, my perfect love if you will, blueprinted into my mind and expectations. i havent settled in the love department in the last five years, so why start now? randy has been the best love ive known outside of my family. hes set standards higher than i could have ever imagined. so, no, i never settled. only compromised. :0) so, the first time wasn’t it… thats why the word “try” is followed by the word “again” so frequently.

so here goes, i shall TRY AGAIN.

i now know what it feels like to have my heart come out of those tiny little holes in the corner of each of my eyes.

i had a bittersweet dream last night. i went to Guam to visit Randy before he came back. there was a part where we were sitting on the king size bed and he brushed my hair back behind my ears and fixed my sunglasses on my head. he told me that there haven’t been many “Delilah Moments” since we split up. I dont know what Delilah Moments are. I think it has to do with the Plain White Ts song. Im not sure. He asked if we’d ever be together again and then i woke up. I think i stopped myself from telling him what i truly felt and what my answer really was: NO.

I woke up today with this excruciating pain in my chest. I waited patiently for my sister to leave for work and then i let it rain. I cried for a good half hour straight. Although i learned in Biology that tears are voluntary, i believe its only to a certain extent. And that extent depends on the pain you feel at the moment. There are certain pains you’ll feel in life that you can’t hide or hold tears back from, no matter how many deep breaths you take. I’ve fallen on my head, gotten the wind knocked out of my, and wanted to die when my parents split up… but this pain is something much more fierce than all of those combined.

I dont want to die though. I want to keep living and know that i can feel that happiness i felt two years ago. I have to look for it. I dont know where it is. I think for everyone theres a jackpot of that happiness. It just cant be found until you’ve tried hard enough. Believe me, after tonight, im on the hunt. not in an irresponsible or sleezy way, but im carefully looking under every rock, going to the end of the cave, etc.

When i was crying i kept saying “i want him back” and saying something like that made me cry ten times harder than i expected. Maybe because i know it’ll never be the same again. maybe because im realizing that he’s right. Maybe we cant see each other physically for a while. maybe we wont be able to hangout when he gets back.

i was so excited the other day that id never felt pain like this before. i was so happy to know that i got it on the first try. but that was too good to be true. mimsy and chris tell me its good to know this hurt. its good to experience something like this. everyone needs to know what it feels like. well, i dont know if im happy to know what it feels like, but im more than ready to know why it has to happen.

theres this hole in my chest now. everything i attempt to fill it with just sinks in and goes away. its as if this hole wants to be filled with what used to be there. my heart is as stubborn as i am. we’ll learn some day. until then, i’ll keep my head up and eyes dry. a new day doesnt always have to start on a monday.

ill see you out there.

Jenn’s New Plan

on my paycheck alone i can live in those Harborview Apartments that i wanted to live in. So by the end of Spring Semester I’m going to. I’m going to put away as much money as possible so i can put the deposit down and not worry about having to go paycheck to paycheck.

by the end of spring semester im hoping to be at about $5000. I just have to be really disciplined and make sure im good with my bills which total 200 a month. I get atleast 800 every check. i can start putting away 500 from each. im going to start a new budgeting method of taking out 100 cash for each paycheck and making myself live off of that until the next check. this way my check alone will be for rent by summer vacation. the 5000 will only be touched if i need to buy groceries and pay for utilities.

i need to be on my own now. i skipped that part when i got married. and true colors are coming out from the both of us. which is perfect, because this is who i wanted to see; that person hiding behind those kind gestures and interesting conversations. this is what i need right now. and if no one comes with me, that will be just fine. this is solely for me. time to really start looking out for number one again.

i wish you the best

jealousy is NOT befitting of you

i know. and its more so the stupidity of pretty girls that gets to me. but whatever. *brushes off shoulder*

with the split, im finding myself with a view of my world just a little bit clearer. significant others cloud your mind. sometimes its a good cloud. other times, it makes your goals and dreams a little blurry. i see now that we are meant to achieve our goals and get to the beginning of our careers before starting a serious relationship. next semester will be different. and yes, im going to stay single. i wont take a chance on falling off the success train and stumbling into the woods of “fun” and letting myself go before ive even found out who i really am.

i get scared that i wont find someone as great as randy used to be and somewhere inside, still is. i get even more scared i wont be able to befriend that person again. i feel like im taking a major risk in losing him forever. but if that’s what success demands of me, i must do it. before, when we lived in houses made of bricks and stones, love was all we needed. nowadays, this world demands much more and is far too high maintenance for us to just sit in front of fireplaces, cuddling and talking with one another. we must move with the times.

i might have lost someone great. but im about to find someone much more amazing… in me. and when that girl comes, i hope mister right is ready for her. until then, ive got some priorities. some books to read, some languages to learn, some life lessons to add to my life, and some skills to sharpen.

one thing i know im good at is loving someone with all that i have. im more than happy to keep that faithful streak. and im glad to have known what love is and can be. i hope to find it again someday. “tis far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” thank you for that experience. you really have set the standard for the next guy. i hope you find YOU again. i can only hope that when that guy comes back, i have the honor of knowing him just as well, if not better. i will love and care for you always and forever. no matter what you do in life. i hope that you dont find it hard to keep in touch once whats done is done.