from cupcake–>adilla–>nerdvitz

Ten Things About you right now
1. my abs are so incredibly sore
2. i had to take off the patch cause im allergic to it now
3. i have a bunch of paper cuts on my arms and fingers and hands
4. i like Trader Joe’s
5. im researching Mesa, Grossmont, and City College because SWC is gay
6. im still wearing my work clothes
7. i currently have $1000 to my name and im still waiting for 300 more. :0)
8. i miss my husband more than anyone will ever know, he hasnt been around for a long time now
9. Winston crosses my mind at least twice a day
10. i am currently talking to my husband on the phone

Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People.
1. your cute, too bad
2. i dont think we’re ok yet, but we’ll get along well enough
3. your better off, i just hope you’ll see that before you go back and make a big mistake that you’ll regret
4. your doing great, just need to get back to school and really live life to the fullest
5. your almost done. stick with it and keep at it.
6. you’ll get what you deserve in the end, i wont have a hand in your demise though.
7. thank you for the words of wisdom. sorry i didnt follow them correctly, i just have to give this one a chance
8. your every bit the person i want to be when i REALLY grow up. your beautiful family and amazing relationships are what give me hope and push me to keep on trying
9. your way too good for me, no one would ever guess it either

Eight Ways To Win My Heart.
1. Neck
2. MOVIE BUFF
3. <3 the beach whether its December or July
4. dont complain a lot
5. dont take advantage of my giving everyone the "Benefit of the Doubt"
6. appreciate life
7. be athletic and sporty, no couch potatoes or home bodies please!
8. ambitious and determined

Seven Questions That Cross My Mind.
1. Do you feel this is getting anywhere?
2. What do you smell like in the morning?
3. Do dogs know when a girl is on her Period?
4. Did my Medical Terminology teacher drop me from her class? If so, bitch move! I did everything i was supposed to!
5. Will I be happy with my car?
6. Does Jack Johnson give out Uke lessons?
7. Will I ever be able to play Paintball with you guys?

Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed.
1. brush my teeth
2. lay down, get naked
3. daydream
4. rethink my day
5. check my alarm clock
6. count sheep or something<– yeah, i do.

Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me.
1. Mom
2. Rob
3. Chris
4. Randy
5. Grandpama

Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now.
1. black slacks
2. white long tank
3. black and white fish-printed undies
4. nude-colored bra

Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately.
1. Neyo- Never Knew I Needed
2. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Dani California
3. The Rocket Summer- That's So You

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. lead a team for the annual Relay for Life event
2. fly a jet

One Confession.
1. i dont ALWAYS daydream about Randy. :0( sorry.

Protected: feeling guilty

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not mad

i dont know. my new year’s resolutions consisted of two that im always tempted to break… DONT MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE and DONT ARGUE ANYMORE. im big on getting my point across and at least fitting in my two cents. but ive been told that i seem like im arguing, so now i dont stand up unless its something i really truly believe in. ive been better off not making a big deal about anything now. cause when its not a big deal, you dont stress so much. but ive been walking the fine line of being too laid back. my deadlines for school have come pretty close. so i know i need to make some exceptions for that Resolution. Also, im really excited about LENT this year. Rob and I are going to battle it out as Jesus. We’re going to do the whole bread and water bit. Giving up ALL OTHER foods. the breads can be any kind of bread (wonder, hawaiian, pan de sal, von dulce, etc.) and the water can be any water (ie dasani, arrowhead, aquafina, fiji, etc.). this is going to be really interesting. rob’s attempted it three years in a row and gave in to his temptations less than a week into the bet. i think it can be done so im going to be his support this year. what better a way to support than to join?

randy will be back this year. hooray! even after everything, i think we’ll be ok. im trying to take a bunch of classes and work a lot so that we dont grow tired of each other. im also going to get a better job by fall semester so we dont worry about moneys. im excited about him coming here. we’ve never had this chance. well, when i was in guam we did, but only randy was 100% happy. dont get me wrong, for a while, just having him around was enough at first. but when he started saying “we have to pay bills” or “we dont really need that stuff” i felt obligated to go back home and help out with the bills and put money aside for the fun stuff or “stuff we dont really NEED” you know? plus, it was getting dull after a while. same thing, same people, yadda yadda yadda. we started to hangout at home in different rooms. and i know i was getting fatter everyday. and it wasnt fair for him to be the sexier one. :0) so i went home, i left him back in his hell, and started to figure out who i was. we went through some tough stuff already. our biggest challenge was in december. im positive thats not the last of our challenges, but i know we learned alot from it, about ourselves, about each other, and about how much love we have for one another. i think its enough right now.

so if he wants to play video games all night, all week, and all weekend, so be it. id rather him do things he loves and be happy than forcing him to do things i love and be bored. i dont want to put up some dumb facade that we’ll always be around each other and should get used to it right now. him being here wont change my work or school schedule. im still going to be full-time with both. i can manage a marriage, school, and a career at the same time. its the 21st century, women are the new men, didnt you know? so, enjoyr your games and stay true to yourself, we’ll have plenty of time to talk and go on adventures when your here. i love you that much and see that much clearer now. :0)

IM NOT MAD. i just understand better now.

Protected: time goes by

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Never Knew I Needed

for the way you changed my plans/for being the perfect distraction/for the way you took the idea that i had/of everything that i wanted to have/and made me see/there was something missing*for the ending of my first begin/and for the rare and unexpected friend/for the way that your something that id never choose/but at the same time something i dont want to lose/and never want to be without ever again*your the best thing i never knew i needed/so when you were here, i had no idea/your the best thing i never knew i needed/so now its so clean, i need you here*my accidental, happily ever after/the way you smile and how you comfort me/with your laughter/i must admit, you were not apart of my book/but now if you open it up and take a look/your the beginning and the end of every chapter*your the best thing i never knew i needed/so when you were here, i had no idea/your the best thing i never knew i needed/so now its so clear i need you here*who knew that i could be/so unexpectedly/undeniably/happier/with you right here, right next to me*your the best thing i never knew i needed/so when you were here, i had no idea/your the best thing i never knew i needed/so now its so clear i need you here

WOW! i <3 NEYO.

Protected: trying to step up my game

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Ready for 2010

2009 made me see both the world and life much differently than i did in 2008 and before. I saw just how strong i could be. I proved myself to people in ways i never knew i could.

Family: coming back to San Diego from Guam was major. I finally started pushing myself and striving to be more independent than ever. I stopped asking family for help for the most part. I feel that i got closer to my brother. we’ve had so many longboarding sessions and even got my older sister to come out with us. My mom got to move into a new place and is really taking care of herself and finally looking out for number one. :0) I’m glad that the three of us are able to take care of ourselves so that my mom doesnt have to worry so much about us. Before she would worry about when she’d need to give us money or bail us out of a situation. Now, the only thing she worries about with us is when she’s going to see us again, Spring Break? Fourth of July? Thanksgiving? Christmas and New Years? All of the above? hehe. in 2009 i also broke away from my dad. id given him so many chances to be a good guy again. i even gave in and paid him the 330 every month for four months. but he remained the ass hole he is now and i just had to get away from that. hes lonely now, but im a better person and less stressed because of it. i dont have any plans to ever see him again. i hope he has a good life. i know he’ll do anything he can to put on that kind of facade at least. so whatevs.

Friends: wow. Where do i start? i grew apart from a lot of people. some friendships began and didnt last more than a few months. but i took a lot of lessons away with me. Ive gotten a lot closer to some friends. Its kind of funny though because most of my “Friends” became family after randy and i got married. so the only “friend” i have right now is mimay. haha. I still have a close circle of trust that consists of about 10 people really. the first new friendship of 2009 was between myself and this chick nadia from phlebotomy. she was kind of wild. complete opposite of ME. haha. and then through apple i grew close to vanessa. and then i grew apart from both apple and vanessa. and then the breakfast club started up with Mike Rose Jason and kuya Pat really quick. haha. and i grew close to mimay at work. my co workers became more than just co workers at a certain point. wow. ive met a lot of new people this year. i hope to make these friendships stronger and possibly find more this year.

School: I cant believe i actually got myself back to school. I mean i was definitely driven. But i was so used to just working or just hanging out all the time that i thought it would have been much more difficult to get right back. Summer course was fun and i learned a lot and even found my favorite painting. Fall semester was a doozy. I didnt exactly do well with all the stress of paying bills and dealing with my dad and trying to look out for other people. I got through my first spanish class with a C and thats quite alright. I dropped math but i just wasnt ready yet. Now that i have money handled i can try again. This Spring semester im taking four classes. Two bios an English and Medical Terminology. it should be fun and i really have no distractions. Its not like i bring anything from Work home with me. So my main focus will just be school. :0) I can pay bills when they come up and wont have to worry about planning ahead for them.

Work: I wasn’t working from January to April in 2009. Randy was taking care of two people one of which was from afar. I couldnt let that happen. This job i have now is so awesome. I hope i never take advantage of anything that comes with it and that it makes me a better person by the time i leave. Id like one hell of a letter of recommendation too. :0) 14 hour days mean that i mean business! haha. This job has helped me to get my finances straightened out. Like i mentioned before i was able to pay my dad every month for 4 months. Probably could have kept it going but he had to be a dick. I <3 my coworkers and boss. They make every day so interesting and fun. I look forward to this next year with them.

last one, then a sort of hiatus for a while

i cant believe it. i never thought in a million years, he’d break my heart like this. “heartless” came out too early. right now is the perfect time to play that song.

five years. i guess time doesnt mean a damn thing. it can easily be thrown away by someone who didnt really care and never fully committed. i could go and call you all the names that i want to, but im not going to. im going to do what i should have stuck with a week ago. and thats just letting you go. i wont be that TYPICAL girl everyone expects me to be. nope, im growing from this. my guard may be back up, but so are my senses. what we had was fun. but it was obviously NOT true love. i may have given all of me and not received anything back, but i know what i did. and i definitely know what you did. there are no misconceptions in this situation. so im moving on and letting go of all the BS you’ve created in my life.

and im not going to make anyone choose sides. most of my friends are your family in the first place. and you dont try to divide blood. im adult enough to know that. i thank everyone who has ever been there for me through it all and wish that i could repay you somehow. and everyone whos offered me those words of wisdom and uplifting quotes, THANK YOU. i know who still cares and who’s always going to be there. you dont need to choose, nor do you have to. i dont expect you to.

you do you, im going to do me. right. thats how it is. you’ve been doing you for how long now anyways. i should be used to this. slowly but surely im getting there. i never wanted this to be bitter, but if you choose to be oblivious and inconsiderate, thats your choice. i have NO problem with that at all. ive got my life to live and im going to do it right this time.

i wont wish you a good life, because it wouldnt be sincere. but i will wish you good luck with the person you are today. you never cared. i was just convenient for you. well, im not going to stand aside while you grow up, so im filing for the divorce after the new year. im not asking for a damn thing. theres nothing you have to offer me anymore, and quite frankly, i dont think you ever did.

congratulations, ME! i got my clean break. band aid effect and all. i am officially done.

i can relate… but in a way it really sucks

everyone says its not going to work

who do i believe? i dont know. i dont know who i WANT to believe. i dont know who’s advice will really make me feel better. i do know i still hurt today as much as i did a week ago, when everything was said and done.

everyone says i’m hurting myself by staying friends knowing that i love him so much still. EVERYONE is saying not now. not to do it now. everything is still so fresh. and that it wont be ok when he gets back and has a female friend around TTBF (The Three Best Friends). my brother said that if he wants to go out one on one for some breakfast or a movie, thats ok. but going out with good friends and having a new person with him will just about kill me.

i want to be smart about this. i just dont know how without being so sad.